Okay so after the food coma receded, the four of us sat pitched ideas for what we believe will be the greatest movie ever made
Here are some points based on what I can decipher from these deranged scribblings on our movie, Peter Tatouli: Action Janitör:
- Nicolas Cage as the eponymous Peter Tatouli, a janitor at the corporate offices of Hegel’s Bagels who discovers a massive conspiracy (or so he thinks)
- He is dressed like Mario the entire movie including a moustache and white gloves, however, this is not something that anyone at any point acknowledges nor will the film ever explain this, in spite of him often saying “IT IS I” as he enters rooms in an offensively poor Italian accent
- His inside man is a corporate higher up at Hegel’s Bagels named Adrien Brody, played by Adrien Brody
- Helen Mirren is the love interest, a sexy assassin named Bruce
- The film will be directed by Wes Anderson, but make the distinction that this will not be a Wes Anderson film
- At one point Peter Tatouli has a bad peyote trip, goes to a karaoke bar and stumbles his way through Barenaked Ladies’ seminal hit, One Week
- The peyote trip will be guest directed by Pendleton Ward
- Peter’s favourite band is Foreigner
- At one point Bruce “tries to kill Peter” while Home by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeroes plays
- The reason that’s in quotations is because it’s revealed at the end that the conspiracy is that there is no conspiracy and that Peter is the victim of a severe mental fugue
- He comes to this realization after the clues lead to a hall in an abandoned wing of Hegel’s Bagels HQ with a door at the end
- He opens the door expecting to find the answer only to be met with a literal brick wall, at which point the camera zooms into his eyes and he realizes the truth behind his experiences (including the fact that the go-kart he drives is in actuality a smart car), at which point he exclaims “WHO WOULD PUT A BRICK WALL THERE?!”
- Also Bill Murray is in the movie, but he doesn’t really know what he’s doing there and the amount of self-awareness he displays will be the subject of fierce debate
It’s going to be a classic and Matt, Amanda, Emily and I are all going to get rich off this shit10,000 Oscars
will watch this every night before bed
